By Kalvin Valdillez, Tulalip News
Back in May, the Washington Fatherhood Council and Tulalip Family Haven held an event known as the Fatherhood Café at the TELA gymnasium. With the intention to connect local fathers with resources and information, the four-hour gathering garnered nearly 30 participants.
During this session, each father displayed a strong desire to learn as much as they could about becoming a better parent and were highly interactive throughout the afternoon. This work allowed the dads to open up about the challenges they face as Indigenous fathers. And it also provided them the opportunity to relate to one another and create bonds with other parents who are on a path toward the same goals.
Working together, the dads identified areas where they needed that extra support and guidance in their fatherhood journey from either the community, family members, or the Tribe. Topics included addiction recovery, reunification efforts, reintegration after incarceration, housing, employment, cultural and community gatherings, and assistance through the justice system.
The Fatherhood Café resulted in a monthly gathering, planned by the dads for the dads, aptly dubbed Dads Group. Receiving a little guidance from Family Haven, the dads organize fun and engaging meetings that are kid and family friendly. With close to a dozen regular attendees, the dads are fully invested and are embracing that fatherhood role and all the challenges and successes that come with it.
Dads Group is a unique experience that isn’t available on many reservations. At each meet up, they allow themselves the space and time be vulnerable and delve into heavy topics such as the loss of a child, the struggle of addiction, or the possibility of never seeing their kids again.
And in response, the other dads show support by not only lending an ear and a shoulder, but also by offering advice and sharing how they got through similar problems in the face of adversity. Whether that’s cultural activities, spiritual work, group therapy, or even the incorporation of exercise into their daily lives, the dads keep an open mind and showcase a willingness to try new ideas and experiences.
Now, though the topic of conversation may be serious, the vibe and air of the room is kept light. As Indigenous People, we will find a way to get our laughs in and bring that Native humor to the forefront of that heavy work. After all, laughter is a big part of healing for our people, and there is plenty of that to go around at Dads Group.
The local dads often pick a theme and activity for the gatherings including traditional arts and crafts, as well as some holiday fun for the kiddos. The last two Dads Group meetings were based around the season, in October the group carved pumpkins while they chatted. And the activity for November was turkey hand crafting, just in time for Thanksgiving.
As the Dads Group moderator, Sasha Smith, Family Haven’s Family and Youth Support Coordinator, helps keep the conversation rolling while also introducing new topics and providing resources/contact info based on the conversation.
Said Sasha, “Family Haven has always had the Moms Group and supports for the moms, but there were never supports for dads. We know that dads are just as important to the family, whether it’s working, providing for your children, introducing culture, making sure they’re getting those teachings in the home. We realized that there wasn’t anything for dads, there’s really a lack of that out here, and that’s the missing link. And I realized that if there wasn’t going to be somebody else doing it, that I just needed to step up. So, I took the Moms Group model and used that to start the Dads Group.”
She continued, “I think that modern society always tells us that men shouldn’t speak up, men have to hold in their thoughts and feelings. But we know that is not good for our mental health. It’s not healthy to be alone, whether you’re in recovery, active addiction, maybe you’re going through separation, a divorce, whatever you are going through in life, it’s not healthy to do it alone. And whether it’s negative or positive, all those emotions are really raw, but once you learn that this is a safe space, then you realize it’s okay to let others be there to support you. At the end of the day, we’re all human and as Native people, we need that connection where we sit down, share a meal, and talk about whatever we’re going through.”
At the latest Dads Group, Robert Coberly and Dustin Moses shared an open discussion about their personal journey. They planned an outing for the group to visit a local CrossFit gym in Marysville. They also spoke about how a number of different Tribal programs and departments helped them along the way, including the Healing Lodge, Village of Hope, the MAP program, and the Healing to Wellness Court.
When asked about why Dads Group is important to have in the community, Robert shared, “For the support. I come here for support for myself and to support other dads and connect them with resources. We did a BBQ and pumpkin carving last month and I got to bring my daughter. It’s great to be a part of this support group and hang out with the other dads and learn how they’re doing in life and just be a part of it.”
Dustin added, “Dads Group is beneficial for dads to access more knowledge on being a better parent and how to help yourself in the long run. This group has helped me in so many ways and I’ve had a whole bunch of new experiences so far. My first time coming here was really interesting because I learned a lot about the culture and parenting information. And it’s helping me learn more about myself. I’m really enjoying it.”
To bring the two-hour gathering to a close, Sasha assigned the dads some homework that they can do with their kids – watch the Disney Pixar movie, Inside Out, because they will be focusing on dealing with emotions at the next group meeting.
Sasha shared that the Dads Group meet ups and outings will vary month to month and that the dads try to plan the group on days that will accommodate the majority of the participants schedules. She also extended an invite to the uncles and grandpas in the community who are helping raise children in their families.
“Continue watching for the flexibility of the schedule,” she said. “We’re trying to make it as easy as possible. You don’t have to commit to the full two hours, you can drop in, grab a snack, grab a coffee. And once you do that a few times, just like everything in life, you start to build in that routine. And that’s we we’re doing here – teaching routine and consistency. I know that at first it can be a bit uncomfortable, but in order for us to learn, especially with our kids, we have to be uncomfortable to experience new things. So, swing by, say hi, and just feel out the vibe and the energy of the space.”
For more information, please contact Robert Coberly at (360) 640-8858, or Family Haven at (360) 716-3284.